This week I finally purchased a new computer after struggling with the old one for years. This proved to be a very fine example of how we slowly adapt to bad situations and accept them, allowing them to grow and fester.
Looking back, I have had the old computer for probably 13 years. That is astonishing, really. That old computer served me well. Somewhere along the way, I developed some sort of maladaptive sense of loyalty to it, as if I owed it for its service. Yet over the years, its performance was dwindling. This year, booting it up would take an hour, then 2 hours, then more . . . and somewhere in the afternoon it would lock up and have to have a “hard” shut down to get it back. Hours a day spent working around the computer. I would get up and start it up first thing in the morning hoping to have it functioning by the time I started work for the day. But in the past few months, it wasn’t always there for me even when I did all this.
I was hesitant to switch to a new computer. In addition to the loyalty thing that was misplaced, there is the hassle of moving files, setting up frequently used sites and passwords. It just all seemed to be too much – until I really had no choice at all.
It took a couple of days to get everything running smoothly on the new computer– but smoothly doesn’t begin to describe how much better things are working now! It is a joy to turn on the new computer and have it functioning within the minute. Which leads me to ask . . .
Why did I put up with so much for so long?
That is when it hit me how perfect an example this computer situation reflects on so many other situations in our lives.
- Our jobs.
- Our friendships.
- Our relationships.
- Our goals.
- Our routines.
- Our goals.
- Our relationships.
- Our friendships.
Probably even more.
How many of us have been unexplainably loyal to a relationship that is working against us? Or continue on a job that is sucking the life out of us because we are too afraid to try somewhere else? Or keep friends who do not give us a second thought or pass off comments that cut deeply?
We human beings are very resilient. We adapt and adjust. Our survival can depend on it. It is one of our strengths. But as anyone who comes to me for therapy hears me say – a virtue can also be our vice. In other words, our strengths can become our weaknesses if they do not have boundaries.
Instead of making an intentional choice to make a change, we slowly adapt to the situation. We adjust the way we have to do things to make it work. We likely do not even notice the small changes we are making, or at least we do not question them. Each one alone doesn’t seem like a big deal, but they add up. Bit by bit we change what we do and how we do it in order to gain someone else’s acceptance or approval, or to not set them off or to not make waves or to try not to be noticed and fly under their radar. Eventually these adaptations change how we function over all, which ultimately affects who we are. We cannot be the person we would have been under different circumstances. We cannot be the person we really are or want to be – because we have adapted to a bad situation. Slowly. Over time it became our accepted norm. And the upsetting truth of it is that we agreed to do it, that we taught others to expect it of us.
If we’re lucky, something slams us into realizing this is not working any more. In this case, it was as simple as realizing that my frustration level was wasted energy and, with Black Friday deals, easily remedied.
But more often it comes in the way of receiving news that jolts us, such as finding out that he has been having an affair all this time. Or we’re served with divorce papers. Or the arguments turn into violence. Or the drinking lands us with an arrest because we got behind the wheel of our car yet again while “buzzed”. Or the job we have hated fires us. Or the person who we’re always helping on the job gets the promotion.
If we’re not lucky, we may limp along for a very long time wondering why we feel so frustrated or unfulfilled.
Why do we wait so long? Why do we allow things to fester so long?
All I can say in answer to that is that it is human nature. We hang onto what is familiar because we fear the unknown. We may not like the way things are, but we know what to expect, and there is a certain comfort in that. Yes, comfort in the familiar. It is less effort than facing the fear of the unknown.
But just because it is human nature does not mean that we do not a choice or that it cannot be better.
Nothing changes until the pain of staying the same
outweighs the pain of change.
It is possible that things could be much better if we address them differently, if we change our behavior, or if we make new choices. That doesn’t mean it won’t be scary. What are the steps we need to take?
- First, we have to acknowledge that there is a legitimate problem.
- Then we have to identify and accept our part in allowing it to happen, fester and grow.
- Once we have done this, we need to explore options and develop a plan to move forward.
- Take the first step.
- Then another.
- Then another.
- Then another.
Most of us need a supporting, listening ear to help us through this. Some of us are fortunate enough to have just the right person by our side to do it. Most of us do not.
That is why we have a team of counselors available to walk with you through exploring what isn’t working for you and help you figure out what you want – really want – to do.
You do not have to walk through it alone. Nor do you have to stay stuck where you are.
Give us a call at 248-284-6050 and request your free phone consultation. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You may decide that you are in just the right place – or that something needs to change. Little changes can have a big effect.
Let’s talk.
Janet Schryer Donahue, LPC, CCTP, NCC
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