Over the years I have seen a number of individuals who com to therapy to “process trauma” and want their life to be better only to find out that what they identify as causing the trauma is actually their own choices – and they refuse to change. Basically, they want a situation or other people to change around them by their going to therapy. Should we call this an attempt at therapy by proxy?
No therapist has this power. In fact, no person has the authority or magic touch to change other people. Our only power is over our own actions, choices, and perspectives. And what a power that really is!
What they are doing is much like calling an insurance agency for homeowner’s insurance – while the house is on fire. It doesn’t work that way, and neither does therapy.
There are a few versions of this. Let me illustrate:
A middle-aged woman who works in a factory shared details about numerous elaborate ‘schemes’ executed to “torture” her in the form of pranks and stalking on the job by other employees. She was certain that they were happening and that they are causing her to develop mental illness. She insisted that she could not change jobs because she would never make as much money or have as good benefits elsewhere. She refused to consider retraining to do something else. She also refused to change her own behavior toward the perpetuators. But she expected therapy to help. This was a hopeless scenario and her mental health continued to decline while anger and resentment consumed her.
Compare that to another woman who was anxious beyond words at the job she had performed for 20+ years. She also was certain she could not make as much income or have as good of benefits if she changed jobs and she could not yet afford to retire. However, with therapy and support she learned to advocate for herself – in other words, she changed her approach and communication style – and her employer created a new position for her. Her anxiety dropped over night which also reduced her depression significantly. She began enjoying life again.
Or another woman who found herself embroiled in a really nasty family situation that was truly unfair, unjust, even downright mean. She had every right and reason to sue, but the legal process was eating her alive. With her therapist, she was able to identify choices she had not originally seen. She applied new decision-making skills she developed in therapy to the new options identified and – to everyone’s surprise – chose a whole new direction for herself that she described as having “set me free”.
Another example was the woman who summarized her therapy journey by saying that she had come knowing something had to change and she was certain it was them. After a while in therapy, she realized it was her who needed to change, and by making changes in herself, she was watching positive changes in others around her.
Therapy can pave the way for wonderful transformation, but it is not a magic wand that can change everything around us. It requires work and choices that foster change. The thing is that change can be unsettling, even frightening. One of my favorite sayings that is hanging in one of our offices is this:
Nothing ever changes until
The pain of staying the same
Outweighs the pain of change
What is this saying?
When the pain of not changing becomes great enough, we are finally willing to embrace the discomfort that comes with change.
How much pain will it take to be willing to change?
Only you can decide. But there is no reason to continue to struggle. Working through trauma is not easy, but it is oh, so worth it! If you are ready, help is available just a phone call away. Request your free phone consultation at 248-284-6050 – you can call any time, day or night, any day of the year.
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