It is always exciting when a new term emerges that helps therapist help their clients. One of the key terms to emerge in recent years is the term “boundaries”. The need for boundaries is very real and beneficial, from parenting through adulthood.
But like everything in psychology, pop-psychology kicks in and the term gets used, misused, abused, watered down and/or misdirected then applied through “self-help” bloggers and influencers. At first, quality books are published about it by experts, training videos are made of it by leaders in the field, then it begins to turn up on YouTube and eventually Tik Tok, which may or may not be presented by qualified experts. With each level, use of the term can be twisted and changed because – let’s be real – bloggers and influencers are all about views, not quality content.
Helping people realize that having limits is healthy can open doors to healthier behaviors. It is key to redirecting co-dependent behaviors, to preventing abuse, and more. But in therapy, we are seeing it morph into something it is not.
The term “Boundaries” has been going this route, and it is unfortunate. That does not mean that boundaries are not necessary and beneficial, but it does mean that some people are justifying behaviors by hiding behind the misuse of the term.
Let me give you an example:
A young woman missed an appointment and was charged for it, as agreed by her prior to beginning therapy. She texted that she has “boundaries” and will not tolerate this and left her therapy after months of deep work she had indicated was helpful. In fact, at one point she had indicated that therapy had saved her marriage.
We need to ask ourselves – is this a boundary? Is it an expectation? Is it old behaviors reemerging?
Was this a boundary? In this case, it was not. It was anger at unfulfilled expectation that she would be an exception to a policy. She was, in fact, disrespecting an established boundary.
This was a reaction, not a thought-through to address a situation. It lacked key ingredients of a boundary. It is unfortunately that she labeled this as “boundary setting” when in fact it was lashing out behavior, which was one reason she had come to therapy in the first place.
A middle-aged woman was dissatisfied with her marriage.. She read off a laundry list of things she told her husband she has to have in their relationship, but nothing changed. She said he is “crossing my boundaries”.
Was this an example of boundaries? No, in fact, it was unfulfilled expectations.
Not every disappointment in others is a boundaries issue.
Key Ingredients of Boundaries
A true boundary has elements of being clearly communicated and contain limitation and protection.
You may set a boundary with a young child that they cannot get on the counter to snatch a cookie. There are definite elements of limitation and protection in this boundary.
You may set a rule that a teenager is not to be out after a specific time. Again, you are trying to limit danger on many levels by setting a boundary.
You quietly but firmly tell someone who is naming calling that you will not accept being spoken to in this manner and will not continue the conversation if it continues. They again do it, and you walk away. This is clearly a limitation being expressed for self-protection.
You may need boundaries at work and learn to express them appropriately to turn down extra hours on a regular basis or other, not getting breaks, not being paid.
In all cases of boundaries, it is all about properly communicating. That does not guarantee that the outcome will be what you desired, of course, but you will be growing and developing as a healthier person regardless. Then again, giving in and not having boundaries definitely does not guarantee that you will receive the outcome for which you hoped, either.
Examples:
The PTA calls you the afternoon before the bake sale telling you that so-and-so cannot make the 12 dozen cupcakes she promised. Will you do it?
Or –
Agreeing to do everything asked of you by an organization and always following through with stellar performance going above and beyond your job title and hours paid.
Always agreeing and coming through does not necessarily secure a promotion on a job or position on the board of an organization. In fact, it often simply sets us up for repeating expectations of similar behavior that will cause us to feel used and taken for granted and could lead to a form of abuse that we actually agreed accept.
Saying a polite but firm “that doesn’t work for me” does not necessarily set us up to be discarded, either. It may happen, or the other party may learn to approach things a bit differently in the future. Again, it’s all about how we communicate things.
Is there a place for boundaries in therapy? Absolutely there is. A therapist is very well aware of boundaries and limitation set by licensing and ethics boards. Clients also have boundaries. However, when something else masquerades as a boundary, problems can occur.
A man came for substance abuse counseling. He had been clean for 25 years then “fell off the wagon” and was in serious trouble again. He announced in his first session that he’ll talk about anything except his relationship with his father. He felt he had set a boundary.
Was this a boundary? In this case it was fear, denial and avoidance. It quickly became clear that all his behaviors stemmed from his childhood relationship with his father, but he would not tolerate addressing it. Rather than a boundary, this was a psychological wall preventing him from facing the core of his issues. He eventually declared therapy to be “useless” but the truth is by exercising his right to his boundary, he effectively blocked participaton.
So another question about boundaries is – is this one necessary? Is it beneficial? Or am I hiding behind it?
We have rights to boundaries. We need boundaries to live a healthy life. But we need to be careful that we are not avoiding, hiding behind or eliminating participation with the world by exercising them.
In other words – we need balance. There are very few if any absolute rules. For instance – would it be appropriate to scold a one year old child for interrupting your conversation with someone else? Would it be appropriate to correct a 6 year old? What if the 6- year old just hurt himself? That boundary needs to be somewhat flexible.
Another example might be spending time over the holidays with family members with whom the situation is always uncomfortable. Is it best to eliminate contact with them completely? Granted, there are genuine times this is necessary. But might to be better to exercise balance and concede to some contact while developing your own traditions and celebrations without them for the bulk of the time? Perhaps somebody gets heated on certain topics that always come up. It would be appropriate to set a boundary that you would enjoy talking as long as that topic is not brought up.
In Summary
Boundaries are important. Even a quality character trait such as generosity needs to have boundaries. However, let’s be mindful of our use of the term and use it appropriately. Let’s not try to justify or mask our choices by claiming they are boundaries when they may not be at all. Then, let’s apply them with balance.
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